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Yes, kids,
it’s the PARIAHS FAQ….
…’cause you’re just dying to know
- WHAT'S
WRONG WITH MIKE?
- WHAT’S
WRONG WITH STACI?
- WHAT’S
WRONG WITH JOHN?
- WHAT’S
WRONG WITH LOAF?
- WHAT’S
WRONG WITH BONZ?
- WHAT’S
BONZ’S REAL NAME?
- WHAT’S
IAN (LOAF) WOODWARD’S REAL NAME?
- WHY
DIDN’T THE BAND INCLUDE ANY CONTACT INFORMATION LIKE
A MAILING ADDRESS, WEBSITE OR EVEN MEASLY FUCKING PHONE
NUMBER IN THE LINER NOTES OF THEIR SECOND ALBUM "MOUTHFUL
OF HEADACHE"?
- I
CAN’T UNDERSTAND THE LYRICS MIKE IS SINGING ON "TWO
MINUTES LATE." CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE?
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1.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH MIKE?
Mike
suffers from PCOCNFBCD, or Post-Catholic Obsessive-Compulsive
Neurotic Fuckin’ Basket Case Disorder. Symptoms include
uncontrollable beer-spilling, stepping on John and Loaf’s
effects pedals, vomiting into his parents’ kitchen sink
while naked, forgetting lyrics and the urge to call his girlfriend
once every hour even though he lives with her. To further
illustrate this grievous condition, Mike and John once actually
had a phone conversation that went like this:
John:
Hi, Mike.
Mike: MY GOD, JOHN! I HEARD!
John: Um…what did you hear?
Mike: NOTHING! WHAT HAPPENED?
But there is hope. Through your continued generosity, PCOCNFBCD
(or P-COC) can be beaten. Send cash, cheque or money order
to:
JOHN BOWEN
52 DUNDONALD ST. #202
TORONTO, ON
M4Y 1K2
Thank you.
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2. WHAT’S
WRONG WITH STACI?
Staci hasn't had a drink in years... Plus his girlfriend's name
is Staci. It's a wonder there isn't more wrong with him really... |
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3. WHAT’S
WRONG WITH JOHN?
John drank all the drinks that Staci passed up, plus he probably
hasn’t had a square meal since yesterday. |
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4.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH LOAF?
But does the answer – the crux of the biscuit, as Frank
Zappa so perspicaciously once put it - actually lie with Loaf
himself? Fundamentally, one must ask oneself if a more substantial
buildup of Panzer divisions along the Germans’ left flank
during the Battle Of Kursk could indeed have netted a sorely
needed victory for the Wehrmacht, ultimately routing the Russian
forces and effectively circumventing any further substantial
opposition from the allied forces in the European theatre.
Certainly, one could hypothesize that when I so very cavalierly
cast caution to the four winds several years ago and refitted
my amp with Sovtek power tubes, the results were unequivocally
staggering insomuch as the
(WE
APOLOGISE FOR THE PRECEDING OUTBURST OF PEDANTRY. LOAF WILL
NEVER BE ALLOWED TO ANSWER ONE OF THESE QUESTIONS WITHOUT
SUPERVISION AGAIN. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE – MIKE,
BONZ, STACI AND JOHN.)
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5. WHAT’S
WRONG WITH BONZ?
It’s been ten years and we’re still not sure. His
wife is just as confused as the rest of us. |
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6. WHAT’S
BONZ’S REAL NAME?
Sometimes it’s David Ernest Bowering. Sometimes it’s
Mud. |
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7. WHAT’S
IAN (LOAF) WOODWARD’S REAL NAME?
If you dump out the name in between the brackets, all will be
revealed. |
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8.
WHY DIDN’T THE BAND INCLUDE ANY CONTACT INFORMATION LIKE
A MAILING ADDRESS, WEBSITE OR EVEN A MEASLY FUCKING PHONE NUMBER
IN THE LINER NOTES OF THEIR SECOND ALBUM "MOUTHFUL OF HEADACHE"?
Because we are imbeciles with the collective I.Q. of chip dip. |
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9. I
CAN’T UNDERSTAND THE LYRICS MIKE IS SINGING ON "TWO
MINUTES LATE." CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE?
Mike can’t actually remember, but John sat down with the
album and listened very closely. Here’s what he came up
with:
She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean
I’m as free as a bird now, and this bird you’ll never
change
Shake for me, girl, I wanna be your back door man
Hablo Espagnol?
My name is Michael
I have a cramp
The revolution will not be televised
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah |
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